how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Randomize
