We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
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