so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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