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Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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