I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
