I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
