okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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