My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
