Too much gin, very little bucket
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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