saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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