I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
