His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
