Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
