Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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