The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
