remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
