Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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