fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
