it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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