And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
