is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
