thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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