You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
