it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
