there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
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