Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My vagina just recognized that song.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
