I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
