I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
