Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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