Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
