I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
