Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
