sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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