yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
