i was born a porn star she said
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
