I'm sorry my penis didn't work
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
