omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
