I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
