It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
