so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
