I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
