I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
please come you make the beer taste better
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
