I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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