I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
