it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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