i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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