My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
