I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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