the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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