I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
