I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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