Walk of Shame. In a state park.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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