So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
