Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
